learning to love again
by LM2256
Summary: a one shot! my first fic, so i don't know how good it is. pleas R&R ! Summary inside! at first its just Bella then by the end its BXE


authors note: hey everyone! this is my first fan fic so i have no idea if its good or not! please read and review and let me know what you think and how i can improve! thanks!

summary: Bella's dealing without Edward, then something amazing happens and Bella must find love again, its not as easy as it sounds!

Bella POV

I had loved him so much, with my whole self and being that when he left I think he took most of me with him. I was hollow, no pun intended but I was like the walking dead. My face was blank, emotionless and expressionless. I barley talked, let alone eat, everyone was worried about me. Deep down somewhere in my hollow heart I knew in some way or another that he still loved me, somehow I still felt it…no matter how distant it was. When he said he didn't want me for the first week I actually believed it…then I realized in the smallest way it wasn't true, but still he was gone, I was empty, alone, shattered. For Charlie's sake I tried hard to regain some of who I used to be. I became a very skilled actor, I used my face as a mask, masking how I really felt and putting on a brave happy face. I started to eat, even forced myself to seem presently involved in conversations. But at night, when I was alone, no one watching me, I would curl up in a ball on the small carpet next to my bed and cry myself to sleep, I couldn't bear to touch my bed anymore. I stopped sleeping in my bed a few nights after the nightmares started, I would hear his voice, feel his embrace, and it was too much for me. I convinced Charlie that i took up a new hobby of hiking, really I spent hours upon hours in the meadow, our meadow, and I would just breathe. I had forgotten how to love, no matter how hard I tried. I still cared for Charlie and my friends, I didn't want anything bad to happen to them or to hurt them, but try as I might I couldn't love. I'd spent all of that on him…and I don't regret it.

Two months later I was still holding up my façade, while crumbling inside. I was on the cliffs where I had seen some guy's cliff diving into the water. I never intended to jump, yea I would live, but that current would carry me away. Of course I thought of suicide but each time I remembered my promise to him not to be reckless or stupid. Till now I'd been pretty good but my decision to come here was a mistake. My accident proneness seemed to calm down a bit, sure I still tripped over myself and was still a klutz but hey. But I should have known it could only stay calm for so long. I was sitting crossed legged far from the edge, peering out into the vast ocean. The sun was starting to set, it was so beautiful, and somehow it brought me a little bit of piece that is until I heard a voice that would destroy my now fairly glued back together life.

"Bella Swan." She drew in her icy cold voice.

My closed eyes flew open and I sprang to my feet, Victoria was staring me down with a huge grin on her face.

"Where's your mate and his family?" she sneered.

"Gone." I said just above a whisper, it still ripped at me to admit it.

"A pity, after all they went thought to protect you, and now it was all a waste. Though he must not have cared much since he left you." she said viscously.

"No!" I snapped, tears springing to my eyes.

She laughed, "I've struck a nerve?" she mocked stepping towards me.

I stepped back.

She moved again and I moved back some more. By now I had moved two huge steps enough to be at the edge of the cliff.

"What do you want?!" I asked suddenly, not that it mattered but I still wanted to know.

"It's your fault James is dead!" she hissed.

"Right, I was the one trying to kill him." I said suddenly full of courage, where it came from I don't know.

She made another move to attack but my clumsiness got the better of me and I tumbled off the edge, and spiraled downwards towards the water. I could hear her cry's of anger as I fell. I felt like I was flying and then I hit concrete…or that was what the cold ocean water felt like. Disoriented I floundered around, not sure which way was up or down. I tried desperately to keep the last mouthful of oxygen in my lungs but the waves were jerking me so much I gasped swallowing down gallons of ocean water.

"No!" I thought frantically, "This won't be how I die!" but my fighting just got less and less as exhaustion took over slowing my legs and arms. I felt myself sinking, and I could do nothing about it, death was circling me and I oddly smiled in its presence. My eyes fluttered shut and I felt myself falling asleep slowly. I was pretty sure I was close to death when I heard the voice.

"Bella." It said softly

"Edward?" I mumbled out…at this my eyes snapped open, I was still underwater, suspended and I was talking? Breathing? Amazing.

There was a shining bright light in front of me and I could make out a figure but the light blinded me from seeing any details.

The deep voice chuckled softly, "No."

I didn't respond so he continued.

"Not many smile when death comes to claim them." he mused.

"I'm not like most." I quipped, with a small smile, amazed that I felt a bit of joy. "Am I dead?"

"It depends…do you want to be?"

It was an odd question, "What do you mean?"

"Once you had a strong urging to die and be born into immortal life…"

"Oh." I sighed.

"Yes, it was very strong, so strong it must have been brought on by love."

"Love." I echoed.

"But when he left you…well you know how some say when someone they love leaves them they lose a part of themselves?"

I just nodded.

"You quite literally did."

"What?!" I gasped.

He laughed again, "Bella you loved him so much, with every bit of yourself that when he left part of you was taken…"

"No wonder I've felt like there's been a hole in me." I sighed pushing back my brown hair that was flowing into my face.

"Yes, it's not pleasant. Bella, love is your gift, not many humans can love as deeply and sincerely as you. You loved a vampire…an odd pairing I must say but still. You accepted him for who he was, not what he was. You ignored the danger you were putting yourself in because you heart told you he would never hurt you."

I winced at that last part because it was lie.

His shadow shrugged, "Well at least not physically. The few humans who use the gift of love don't normally have it bite them in the butt and rob them of feeling like it did you. You've been granted a choice Isabella."

He used my full name, it must be serious, I looked up and the light faded just a bit and I could make out his handsome features and…wings. I gasped in awe.

"Yea, I often get that reaction…if you haven't guessed I'm the very handsome angel of death."

"A bit full of yourself aren't you?" I couldn't help myself, this felt so…right.

He laughed, "it makes life interesting."

"What do you mean by choice?" I asked now getting back to business.

"Well there's the obvious one," he said peering up. I followed his gaze but then returned my attention to his glowing face as he spoke again.

"Or…immortal."

"Immortal" I murmured…"what's the catch?"

"You're smart…the other very few I've offered this to, if they chose immortal never considered there would be a catch."

"Well that kind of thing wouldn't come without a price…if its one thing I learned from him." I whispered but he still heard me.

"That's what I was talking about, a love so powerful you understand almost anything!" he smiled at me, "if you choose immortal, Bella, fist off, much like vampires and werewolves you must not be found out."

I nodded, taking in the information and he continued, "But because you no longer remember how to love you will be cold much like the vampires. I warn you not to touch a human until you learn how to love again. Your other abilities will depend on the love you must re-learn."

"Abilities?" I asked astonished.

"Yes, Flight, not like us, with wings, but more like gliding, serves for fast movement, and force fields of protection and if you can live strong enough, you can heal."

I nodded solemnly, it seemed fair but one more question kept me from making a quick choice and he notice the distress on my face and as if he read my mind he answered.

"There's no rule that denies you of love you just have to learn to love again. And when you do something will happen, something you deserve." He said happily.

"Ok…I'll do it."

"Ok." He said with a warm smile.

He wrapped his arm around me and I was filled with sudden warmth as we rose out of the water. He let me down on the ground and with a final wave he disappeared. His sudden light was gone and I realized it was getting dark, Charlie would be home soon. But I realized I didn't feel any different. I was wet, it wasn't a dream. But I still felt hollow, empty inside but he had said I would have to learn to love again. I hurried home as fast as my truck would carry me, I would have to leave, this immortal thing wouldn't go over to well. I suddenly realized I was freezing cold, I turned the heater up to full blast but it didn't change my body temperature. I beat Charlie home; good I would gather my clothes and painfully write him a letter of my going hiking, when I never came home I would be considered lost, in a few months I'd be dead. I know it would hurt him and Renee but I couldn't have them looking for me everywhere think I ran away, they would think I got lost and that they couldn't find my body. I finished and as I headed towards the door it opened and Charlie walked in, a few minutes early, damn!

"Bella." He greeted, then spotting my duffle over my shoulder, "Where are you going?"

I froze, trying to think of something to say, the note was on the table but there was a jerk in my stomach, a need to hug him, to touch his warmth…an urge to become warm again, I was so cold.

"Bella, your pale." He gasped.

I looked in the mirror on the wall to my left, true I was pale, but it wasn't like the beautiful pale of the Cullen's it was a different stunning pale. Still I felt the cold rip through me as I was being drawn to Charlie's warmth. I felt my eyes glaze over as I stepped towards him my arms out stretched. He looked worried and walked to me.

"Bella, are you sick? What's wrong?" he asked as he took me into his arms.

I held him close, slowly becoming warm again…it felt so good…so right…but…

Something clicked in the back of my mind and I looked up into Charlie's face, it was turning blue, I now realized his body was cold.

"No!" I gasped releasing him so fast and letting him fall to the ground. "Charlie!" I screamed, I went to lift him but froze, I couldn't touch him. When out of reach of my warmth sucking grip he slowly started to breathe again and gain his color…I on the other hand started to become cold again. "The catch" I cursed to myself. I draped a blanket over him and left.

I left my old life in forks far behind me as I traveled the earth searching for love…alone and cold. I soon grew bitter. I couldn't be around people, it was to tempting to drain them of they're warmth. It was a truly lonely existence. I slowly grew to learn to resist the temptation as I walked with the humans. I traveled many places, not staying anywhere long. In the next few years I tried to live up to my expectance but love seemed to allude me, caring for people happened to be harder than I thought.

It was years later on an October night when I learned to love a little again. A younger mother was walking home with her three year old daughter by her side. It wasn't the best of parts of town but I could tell they were low on money. As they passed an alley way they were pulled into it. There were yells, and then a shot. A tall dark man ran from the ally.

I sprinted towards the alley and threw myself around the corner into it. It was horrible; the mother was crouching over her small daughter crying for help as the child lay limp with a hole in her chest, blood seeping through. I felt the tears in my eyes and walked over to them with a grace I didn't know I had. The mother looked up at me with pleading eyes as if she knew. I felt the urge to take her warmth but the dying girl meant more than my warmth, I knew that. I could feel the mothers sorrow and love rolling off of her and it called to me. I walked to the girl's side and bent down. Instinctively I held my hands over her. I waited but nothing happened but a second later my hands started to glow…the wound disappeared and the girl gasped back to life. The mother let out a scream of joy, tears now flooding even more from her eyes.

"Thank you! Thank you!" she cried holding her daughter, "You're an angel." It was a statement in a thankful way.

I heard voices of other people approaching and I looked down at her pleadingly.

"I won't tell." She smiled.

I nodded and took off; the happiness of saving the girl caused me to move super fast. I realized that my feet weren't on the ground, they were running mere inches above the ground, I was gliding.

After that night I learned how to heal, I had to resist the temptation to be selfish to satisfy myself and save the innocent. For the next ninety years I wandered the earth like this. But no matter what I did I only found enough love to let me glide, I was still lonely and empty. It was easy for me to heal but I started to become depressed. I constantly thought of how hopeless it was for me to ever learn how to love again. I sunk so low to a point where I lost my restraint and almost killed a person much like Charlie, I removed myself from society again.

It had been long enough now that anyone who would know me in forks was either dead or way too old. I headed back there, where it all began. I settled down there, slowly trying to reclaim the hold I had on my need for warmth. I still stayed far from people. I had bought a small cabin not to far from town and I often wandered the woods for something to do. When I felt strong enough I would wander into town to pick up a new book or some clothes. I didn't need to eat but for some reason sleep was essential to my restraint. The more tired I was the harder it was to resist the warmth the humans gave off.

I made the decision to attend school. It was hard at first, being back in the same high school where all my memories of us together were everywhere I turned. Much like the first time I arrived I was starred at and talked about, the new girl. I recognized some kids as grandkids of some of my old friends and I smiled knowing they had lived a happy life. There were days I could handle my need for warmth and others, which were days the memories were too much, that I just stayed home, curled up in my own frozen existence.

After School my friend Alex, whom had been having a very bad day, asked if she could hang with me after school. Her parents had just divorced a week ago, and she was dealing with that and today her boyfriend broke up with her and she tripped in the cafeteria on her way out because she was crying. She was slowly becoming a close friend throughout the year and I think it was possible I could be learning to love people again, but I wasn't gonna get ahead of myself, I'd start with trying to love my friend before I tried to love anyone else, it would be tough to do all at once, yea I'd start with caring about a friend. We stopped at a small café and Alex grabbed a sandwich and we discussed things to do. In the end she only came up with ideas that reminded her of her troubles so I suggested talking a hike in the woods, nothing to remind her of her day. We hiked and she talked, and I listened. If it was one thing I was good at it was listening. Alex had a lot on her mind and it amazed me how much she blamed her bad situations on herself, I continuously told her none of it was her fault but she wouldn't listen. Her self dislike and feeling that things were her fault reminded me of well me and I realized how sill I had been to think that almost everything that went wrong was my fault. After my small epiphany I felt warmth, very small, grow within me and I realized that it was all thanks to Alex that I realized this! We sat in a clearing as the sun settled behind the trees leaving us in a dim light. Alex was lying in the grass, hands behind her head staring at the sky as stars slowly appeared. I was sitting next to her, Indian style also looking up and talking with her, as close as I could get to the truths about my life experiences of family and love, so what if it was ninety or so years ago, she didn't know that!

"Bella?" it was a cautious voice, but in knew it well, soft, velvety, smooth. I whipped my head around and saw Edward and Alice approaching me. They're eyes were wide and coldness shot through my body… "Warmth!" my mind screamed as my already broken heart shattered a little more. But a clenching in my stomach forced me to turn away from them and look towards the other end of the clearing where I heard rustling, Edward's and Alice's heads followed mine. Another movement from the trees. In a split second, I don't know how, but I was on my feet blocking an attacking vampire from Alex where she lay. Alex was now sitting up, a distance behind me since I had met the vampire just as he had appeared from the trees

"Bella!" Alex called alarmed.

I ignored her and spoke viscously to the vampire, "Leave!"

"Why would I do that? there's a perfect meal just feet behind you!" he said happily.

"I wont let you."

"Sure sweet heart, like you could stop me." he scoffed pushing me aside.

He seemed to know I was different, not a vampire but different. I stumbled sideways and caught myself in time to see him running towards Alex. I also saw Edward and Alice heading for her but I could tell they wouldn't make it. something in me broke free, warmth flooded me and I was in front of Alex, and the Vampire crashed into a force field inches from my face. Alex was shocked into silence and was gripping my arm. Alice and Edward were frozen from where they had stopped and were watching us.

"If you didn't hear me the first time I said leave." I breathed evenly.

The vampire was surprised, and tried to claw through the shield enraged!

"No!" I yelled enraged that he would attempt to kill Alex.

I felt her gripping my left arm behind me peering at the vampire bearing his teeth.

"Angel!" he roared trying to claw his way through my force field even more.

"I will not let you harm her." I demanded. I heard Edward and Alice standing a short distance away, they were probably wondering what I was doing, or how.

The vampire's eyes grew bright red.

I glanced towards Alice and Edward, cold striking my body as they moved forward to help. It did the complete opposite, I was suddenly too cold, filled with painful memories. My force field weakened, and the vampire inched closer, I suddenly realized my arm was warming. With a sudden gasp of horror I realized what was going on. I yanked my arm from the Alex's reach and she fell back bleach pale into Alice's arms.

"No!" I yelled, fear gripping me.

That second was enough for my force field to drop and the Vampire to attack me. Before he could get to me though Edward was there ripping him apart!

I turned and stared at Alex in Alice's arms, I felt cold slice through me, if she died because of my selfishness to ease my pain…

I ran to Alex's side pushing Alice aside and cradling her limp body in my arms.

"No!" I cried ignoring they're calling of my name.

Alex wasn't breathing, I felt beyond horrible. I'd didn't know if it would work but I placed my hands over her, forcing myself to forget that I needed warmth…if I saved her I would never worry about finding love again, as long as she lived.

With a flash of light she gasped back to life. As soon as her chest moved I stood, I spoke a in a soft whisper, "I'm sorry!" and glided away at top speed, I was weak, exhausted from exerting that much power in such a short period of time. As I passed houses full of happy warm people it took all of me not to suck the warmth from them.

I retreated into the woods not to far from my house, seeing them made my need for warmth so strong that I was afraid that if I moved I'd lose it and I might kill someone. I cowered in fear, gripping my legs to my chest, sadness gripped me, I would keep my end of the deal, I'd stop worrying about love, she was alive. I heard footsteps in the forest.

"No!" I groaned, the last thing I needed was some human finding me…

"Bella?" A soft voice called, followed by another voice calling the same thing.

The voices neared me and I cringed. I used the remaining strength that I had I built a force field around my small balled form. Edward and Alice came into view. When she tired to touch me her hand was stopped.

"Bella?" she asked confused.

"Let us help you." Edwards said his voice urgent now.

"No." I groaned, the pain was eating me from the inside out.

"Lower your defense!" Alice cried.

"I don't want to hurt you."

There was a glowing light and Alice and Edward jumped back as a glowing body stood next to me, his hand passed through my shield and touched my shoulder, there was an instant calm.

"Bella." He cooed.

Edward and Alice looked on amazed and worried.

"Hi." I said pitifully, "Are you here to punish me?" I sighed.

"Punish you?" he laughed. "No…Isabella I'm hear to grant you your gift."

"Gift? I almost killed that girl!" I screamed.

He didn't flinch at my voice and I could feel Alice and Edwards eyes on us.

"Yes." He said solemnly, "But you gave up searching for love that you deserved so she could live…very noble of you."

I didn't respond, and he continued, "Your gift." He removed his hand from my shoulder and a bite mark appeared. An instant fire spilled over me and I cried out.

"Bella!" my friend's voices called out sharply.

The Angel looked towards them, "Take care of her."

Edward nodded, reading his mind of what he had just done.

The Angel turned back to me, "When you wake up, there will be no pain, only love. Sleep." He spoke softly before he disappeared.

Within seconds Alice and Edward were by my side. I cried out in pain again, it burned so much.

"Go home and tell them what happened!" he ordered Alice and she was gone.

I felt his arms move under me and scoop me up, his cold body lessening the burning a little.

"Edward." I mumbled.

"Shhhhh…its ok." He cooed as he ran.

I woke up wrapped in a warm black comforter. I groggily opened my eyes and slowly sat up; I was sore but not burning. I looked around instantly recognizing where I was. It was still the same as I remembered it, Edward's room. I looked around, taking it all in just in case it was a dream. There was a laugh from my right and my head shot that way, which was a mistake, my mind swirled.

"Easy." Edward laughed.

I felt the bed sink as he sat next to me and pulled me into his lap. I released the covers that were gripped in my hands and threw my arms around him.

"I missed you too." He smiled kissing my head.

"What happened?" I mumbled into his cold comforting chest.

"Your gift was what you always wanted." He said looking down at me.

I peered into his eyes, they were sparkling with happiness. And I suddenly realized why and gasped.

"Oh Edward!" I exclaimed and his grip tightened.

"I'm so sorry I left you…"

"I don't care anymore!" I pulled back so I could stare directly into his face and he smiled leaning into kiss me.

Authors note: thanks soooo much for reading! hope you liked it ...let me know by hitting that little go button! thanks. LM


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